Most of the time nature is a very harmonious being. Plants, animals and the inhabitants of the entire planet can coexist and even benefit from one another while remaining true to their natural place and order. But there is one event which naturally occurs and always causes a contradiction. This occurs as each child nears the 16-year milestone and each parent begins to develop some serious worry lines. Maybe it is natures sick sense of humor, or maybe it is a signal that some significant changes are about to take place for both parent and child.
A parent is wired to worry about his or her child. There is just no getting around this fact, and unfortunately, there is no expiration date either. My sons are 27 and 35 and they will always be my boys. My brain knows that they are grown men, capable of having their own children, but my heart still holds onto them as my boys. Boys who sometimes require the watchful eye of a mama bear, and even an occasional swat from her heavy paw. I have come to accept that a parents concern and worry never goes away or even diminishes much to some offspring’s displeasure.
On the opposite end of this struggle is the child who is growing, learning, and yearning to spread his or her wings. Even the slightest thought of independence makes a teenager giddy with desire and angst. The small tastes of freedom which have been earned do not satiate the desire, instead, they only create a deeper desire and almost an addiction to achieving the life of freedom. Boundaries that were once respected are now seen as punishment and they hang around the child’s neck like a ball and chain. Rules are seen as something created simply to limit or impede the child’s growth and quest for adulthood. And over time, just like a tight collar or shackle, the rules begin to feel more and more restrictive.
There are numerous small issues which are merely individual barbs on this single hook that is piercing the hearts of both parent and child. How late can I stay out? Can I ride in a car driven by my teenaged friend? Why can’t I post my pictures on social media? When can I buy my first car? I will buy what I want, it’s my money! Oh god, you are ruining my life! All of these comments and more will become part of each child’s dramatic repertoire as he or she struggles to find the path from child to adult. And at the same time, each parent is facing his or her own inner battle. A struggle to find that delicate balance needed to allow growth and progress while still providing guidance and the rules needed to protect both the child from the world and the world from the child. It is truly a monumental encounter for both sides.
Sadly, most children don’t have enough experience with life and her cruel ironies to understand that they will survive this oh so traumatic experience. Youth, foolishness and strong will, will propel most kids through this mire of emotions and hormones. Parents, however, have the advantage of “been there done that” and the knowledge of what is on the other side. That insight serves as the motivation to simply wait out this life-altering storm called the teenaged years. Knowing that you will at some point have the privilege of seeing your child become an adult, a productive member of society and maybe even a parent is a gift beyond description. You will watch your child continue to grow and labor to build on the strong foundation that you helped construct. And maybe even someday in the future, your child will grasp the value of the lessons, the tough love and the years of dedication that you provided to help build that foundation. It might only be a sentence or two of thanks but it will feel better than finding a winning ticket!
At that very moment, your entire parent-child relationship will change yet again. You won’t stop worrying, that is never going to happen, but you will know that your child finally understands, appreciates and even approves of your worry. Maybe your child has experienced this epiphany because he or she is a parent or maybe just time, perspective and life have taught many lessons about what to be thankful for. But the clarity has finally arrived and you can both share in the pride of knowing that you faced Mother Nature’s greatest challenge, her one true contradiction in the universe, and you conquered it together.