It is amazing to me how my mind can play tricks on me, and how happy I am to accept the ruse without even a shred of doubt. Time slips away like sand through my fingers, but I feel the tiny grains as they trickle through my grasp. I know I feel the sand moving because I try to clasp my fingers closed more tightly to stop the sand from escaping, but it only begins to flow more quickly from my clenched fist. Time, so valuable and yet so elusive. But unlike the sand, I don’t really feel its departure or passing. It is just gone.
I sit here today thinking of a day more than twenty years ago, but a day that is crystal clear in my mind. It is as vivid and real as if I were looking over my shoulder at a mural that I just walked past. My husband was having surgery to repair damage caused in an accident. The surgeon was highly skilled and trusted but there is always an anxious energy when someone you love is in another person’s hands. I am told that I am a bit of a control freak, so I have tried to learn to manage my anxiety in these situations.
The beauty of that day was twofold. The surgery was a complete success and my husband was walking much sooner than expected. We were blessed to have found Dr. Durbin. The other blessing that day was purely mine and purely selfish. I spent the day with two amazing, caring and loving men who just decided to be there for me and make sure that I was ok and not alone; my fathers. They were like two pillars of strength who protected me from even the thought of a less than perfect outcome. I’m ashamed to admit that I probably never fully thanked them for sharing that day with me and sharing their love with me. But they gave me confidence and strength. With them beside me, I felt invincible.
So today, it’s twenty-some years later and I still feel like that same person; young at heart but maybe a few more objections from my body than I heard back then. And again I am waiting, sadly with not much more patience than I did all those years ago, still controlling and still anxious. But today there are no strong hands on my shoulders or arms around me. Today I am forced to open my hand and examine the sand that remains but also to consider all of the sand that has slipped away. Time has passed and so have both of my fathers. Those are each such hard concepts for me to reconcile in my mind.
So I close my eyes and let my heart take charge. I hear their voices, reassuring and loving. I see their smiles and their blue eyes. So amazing that they both had the most incredible blue eyes that shone like beacons to guide me. I know that I am all grown up now, even though I don’t feel any different. Certainly, this is one of life’s great charades or one of life’s great gifts, or maybe just a little bit of both. But what I do know is that I am here today, the person that I am today, because of those two men and all of my family. I have strength, resilience, and faith because of all that they shared with me and taught me in the time that we had together. And most of all, I know that I am not alone, not today and not ever. I carry each of those loving relationships in my heart.
My thoughts return to the sand in my hand. Have I been looking at this from the wrong perspective all these years? I look down to see the sand that has filtered through my fingers but it has now disappeared. It has rejoined all of the other sand and is now indistinguishable from the miles of sand that is the beach. Was the sand in my hand, my lifetime, just a glimmer of the greater picture? Is that just the short time of separation we must endure until we are all reunited again?