When people speak of carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders, we often think of that oppressive object as worry, fear or concern, but in many cases, it can be the immense weight of anger. This is not the anger that is focused on someone who cut you off on traffic or made a rude comment to you. This is the anger that you feel deep in your chest that burns red hot and adds a touch of venom to your thoughts and your words. This is a special kind of anger that is reserved for someone who has hurt you deeply; which also means that this is a person whom you cared for deeply or even loved.
And as you move past the offending incident, in time only but not forgiveness, you begin to see that not only is there anger because of the pain that you are feeling but there are also other feelings such as disappointment, betrayal and sometimes even shame or embarrassment. You begin to see that the only people who could hurt you so deeply are the few who you have chosen to allow into your inner circle. These are the close friends and family members whom you thought you could always count on for love, support, and understanding. So now your anger is even causing you to question your own judgment.
The weight of your anger feels like a hot piece of metal that you can’t put down even though it is burning into your heart and soul. This object, this burning destructive mass, has a power over you that you can’t overcome and you can’t ignore. So you move forward on your journey, dragging this burning ember along with you as it continues to create an endless supply of pain. Until you finally reach a point where you have to decide if you are going to succumb to the power of this fire deep in your heart, this hate that is trying to consume you, or if you are going to focus all of your strength and energy on overcoming your anger and the command that it has on you.
I am not proud to admit that I carried this weight for over half a decade. I guess that is a testament to my stubbornness. But even that stubbornness eventually became worn down by this darkness that followed me everywhere I went. It had an impact on how I viewed everyone and everything in my life. And there was nothing good about it. My anger was not hurting the person who had caused my pain. In fact, I don’t even know that she was really aware that I was harboring such anger, resentment, and disgust for her as we had not spoken in over five years. The only thing that I was accomplishing by continuing to feed this beast known as anger was to create a roadblock for my own happiness and tranquility in. every part of my life
It was time for me to make the choice that was best for me. Some family members who knew about the rift between myself and this person urged me to forgive her, to “be the bigger person”. But after five-plus years I still stood by my conviction and would not forgive what I consider to be an unforgivable act against my family. However, I would accept the fact that the comments and actions which were hurtful to the people whom I love most in this world, came from a small-minded and judgmental person. A person who does not deserve the energy that I have invested in carrying this anger for all of these years, and a person who certainly does not deserve the love and loyalty of my family.
As turns out, my anger towards this woman was far from the greatest burden she would be forced to endure. She lost her husband unexpectedly about 18 months ago, and I am certain that was a devastating time. He was a truly good man and a person whom I have always had a great deal of respect for. I offer my condolences because the loss of a beloved spouse is not something that I would wish on even my worst enemy. His passing, however, made me take a long hard look at his wife and then myself.
When I looked at her I saw a 60 something person who was alone and sad because of her past actions and the way she treated many of the people in her life. On the other hand, when I looked at myself I saw a person who was fortunate enough to have a wonderful, supportive and loving husband, two of the most amazing sons that any mother could wish for, and more dear friends than I can count. The only cloud hanging over me was the anger that I was dragging along with me over someone who was clearly not meant to be a part of my life. Suddenly, I felt my face begin to burn with embarrassment as I realized what I had been doing to myself all of these years, and how that anger had affected the people that I love the most but not this misguided person. And even if she had noticed, I was far from the largest obstacle in her life.
Over the next few days, I allowed my thoughts to meander back to this subject several times. And each time, I could not help but feel sorry for this woman. She has spent her entire adult life being very focused on trying to “direct” other people, influence their thoughts and values and manipulate them without ever considering their happiness or beliefs. And now as she is embarking on her golden years, she is alone as her husband is gone and her children are not interested in being her puppets any longer. And possibly the saddest part of this story is that she appears to be mystified as to how her life has gotten to this point. Her life is certainly not one which I wish to emulate and with my anger set aside I can finally see how it could have easily been my downfall.
Finally, after almost seven years, I can say that I feel nothing but sorry for this person. I can’t imagine what she will face in the coming years but I am fairly sure it will be alone, and for that I am sorry. However, I also know that this is the path that she has chosen and the one she must now traverse. But most of all, I am thankful for the path that I am traveling, the family and loved ones who are with me on my journey and the love that they bring to my life. So today, for the first time in many years, I think of her on her 64th birthday and I wish for her a good day filled with happiness. I also wish things were different between us but I accept that they are not. I have finally learned this priceless life lesson; I will never again choose to waste a single precious moment carrying that burning burden of anger.