Often times it’s hard to see past the pain to appreciate all that we still have after the loss of a loved one. Family and friends are a comfort but there still seems to be an aching void deep in your heart. And sometimes the hardest things to see are right in front of you. They are the opportunities that have come to you as a result of losing that loved one.
I found a very special person after the loss of my mother. Or more appropriately, I came to understand and appreciate the person in a new way. I had known this lady for most of my life but only as an acquaintance. She was the mother of one of my older sister’s friends. She had not really seen me since I was a small child but from time to time I would hear about her and her daughter from my sister.
Betty had arthritis and was in constant pain that would cause most people to be bedridden, but nothing would do but that this amazing woman of 90 come in person to pay her last respects to my mother and to comfort our entire family. With the aid of her red racer walker, she moved through the room like a ray of warm sunlight. She greeted us all as if we were not just any family, but her family. There were hugs for everyone and loving, reassuring words. Then she retired to one of the chairs along the side wall of the viewing room.
After an hour of greeting, hugging and crying with family, friends and those who cared about my mother, I felt like I had run a marathon. I was physically and emotionally drained. I scanned the room for a quiet corner to escape the crowd for just a moment of peace. The seat next to Betty was vacant and I was going to lay claim to it before anyone else could beat me to it. I thought that a few minutes away from the crowd would be just what I needed. But Betty knew that I needed much more than to be left alone for a few minutes.
As I approached the seat, she reached up, took my hand and pulled me into the seat next to her. “You sit here by me and we will talk for a while,” she announced. As we talked she held my hand and patted my knee just like my Grandmother had done when I was a child. We talked about Betty’s love of reading and crossword puzzles and my home in Arizona. Even though we hadn’t spoken in over forty years, she had kept up on me, too, and knew that my family made our home in Phoenix. As it turned out, Betty had visited relatives in Phoenix once many years ago and she was anxious to hear about the current state of affairs there.
As we talked, I barely noticed the time passing. I saw people coming and going but it seemed as though I had only been sitting with Betty for a few moments. Unfortunately, my hiding spot was discovered and I was pulled back into the room to greet more family and friends. As I got up to leave, I bent over and hugged Betty and thanked her for the good conversation and her love and support. She squeezed my hand again, just like Grandmother used to do, and smiled up at me. I was able to walk away with a little more spring in my step and what felt like the weight of the world lifted off of my heart.
Over the next few days, I heard many stories and accounts from people at Mom’s church and her neighborhood, about what a warm, caring person she had been. I always knew abstractly that my Mother was a loving person and enjoyed being with people, but because I lived so far away, I never really got to see just how deeply she touched so many people in her community. It was a great comfort to know that she had so many wonderful people in her life who were able to visit her and enjoy her company on a daily basis.
If Betty had not been there that night and reached out to me with open arms and an open heart, I think that I might never have really grasped just how much my Mother meant to so many people in this world. I have always loved my Mom and I always will. But thanks to Betty, I’m now able to appreciate Mom even more than I ever did before. I know that she and Betty are the type of people who touch lives and change people forever. And I just hope I can come close to meeting the challenge of living up to their wonderful example.
Death is not a closing door unless you choose to let it close the door to your heart. Each and every day I’m learning things from people who have touched my life but are now gone. I refuse to let the loss of a loved one rob me of the memories, experiences, and love that will live forever in my heart. Life is about constant change and growth. But by choosing to carry someone’s love in your heart, no loved one is truly ever lost.