A Lesson from a Friend

Very seldom am I ever really surprised or even caught off guard by another person’s comments. I have worked very hard to come to accept that it really does take all kinds. And for a rational person, the only choice is to make peace with that fact. Then on a rare occasion or two, you are rewarded with the welcome surprise or unexpected good outcome.

My most recent reward moment came to me from my dear friend Janet, whom I have known for over a decade. She lives alone, is very self-sufficient and is quite possibly the deepest thinker I have ever known. Her years of life experiences, her warm and generous heart and her overall love of people are but a few of the reasons she has become a mentor, role model and member of my family.

Over the years, we have talked about every subject imaginable. She has shared her past with me as I have with her. I knew that she was married early in life and that she and her husband raised four children together. I also knew that they divorced after all of their children were grown. From time to time, our labyrinth of conversations provided me with more detail about her married life. Each time this occurred, I was touched by the tone of her story or anecdote. She spoke of a man who she clearly respected and loved deeply. Never did she place blame for their marriage ending or criticize him in any way. Her words were always positive and refreshingly different than any I had ever heard used to describe an ex-spouse. She was always quick to say that they had a good life together. He was a prominent doctor and he provided well for his family. But at some point, it just became clear that it was time for their marriage to end. Their time together was over but their love and respect for one another remain strong to this day.

Janet is a strong and independent spirit. She has moved from coast to coast and always found happiness and satisfaction in her life. Along the way, she has made friends, written books, painted magnificent works of art and created a method of treatment for autistic children which has changed the lives of literally thousands. Having said all of that about this wonderful lady, I’m not sure why it surprised me to hear the way she spoke about her ex-husband, but it did.

Even after all these years, more without him than with him, her words were so kind and gentle and full of love. She said it was definitely love at first sight for them. Two months after they met they were engaged, and two months later they were married. She never recalled ever having a fight but added almost as an afterthought that there must have been disagreements from time to time in a house with four children all under the age of six. But clearly, all of her memories of life with her husband and their children are filled with love and happiness.

Her next story, as she said, clearly revealed the kind of man her husband Clare is. After their divorce, he joined a singles group at church. This pleased Janet, as she of all people knew that Clare needed to be needed and to have a wife to care for and protect. As fate would have it, Clare met what my friend described as a “fine lady.” I find it so remarkable that she was able to not only be happy for her ex-husband but also to think so highly of the lady who was to become his second wife. But before that could occur, Clare took the time to sit down and write Janet a letter and tell her about the new lady in his life. It was as if he needed my friend’s blessing before he could move on with his life.

I understand that this was a different time than we live in today. But I still marvel at a couple so highly evolved, who could share this information and both find it in their hearts to be truly happy for the other; to love enough to put the other person’s feelings and happiness before their own. Sadly, Clare lost his second wife a few years later to cancer.

Janet describes Clare’s third wife as a doll and just what he needed. They have shared a long and active life together and knowing that seems to bring Janet great comfort and happiness. Regrettably, Clare’s health is now failing but my friend and her children are so thankful that he has a loving wife who is devoted to him and his care.

I got one last glimpse into this unique relationship that has existed in one form or another for over half a century. My friend had not seen her ex-husband since she moved away shortly after their divorce. Sadly, it was a parent’s worst nightmare that brought them together. Their son passed away suddenly. That trauma alone is enough to cause anyone to be bitter or angry. Hurtful words or poor manners could easily be understood and overlooked as a result of such immense grief. But that was not the case at all with these two. After decades of no contact, Clare entered the hospital room and walked over to Janet and embraced her. His words spoke volumes, “We raised a good son.” Words that only parents could share at a time when only they could understand the pain and loss that the other felt. During the days that followed, Janet got to know, like and respect Clare’s third wife even under those stressful conditions.

I look at Janet and Clare and their relationship and I’m in awe. Somehow they found the grace and dignity to accept the fact that their time as man and wife was over. But they had the wisdom to never let go of the fact that they are the parents of four children whom they deeply love. They are no longer married but they still share the bond of mother and father, of love, respect, and loyalty. These two people have found a way to live through life’s most painful moments with a poise and clarity that most couples can’t even imagine. They have set an example for their children and the world. They are the epitome of what makes good parents; they are truly good people.