It’s always difficult to face the reality of a parent’s illness. Most children grow and thrive within the warm, protective sphere known as a loving parents care. And even when the relationship has been difficult or dysfunctional, there still seems to be a connection of more than simply genetics. This emotional connection to a parent might simply be a single, thin shred of hope that someday this complicated, or almost nonexistent relationship, will somehow blossom into the idea parent-child relationship that each of us craves. We have seen it on television, in movies and even in the lives of our friends and secretly, we all want to experience it even if it’s only for a short time.
So facing a parent’s life threatening-illness sometimes means much more than the loss of a parent; it means the loss of a childhood dream. You might never have shared that close, loving bond with your parent so naturally, you believe that his or her death will have very little impact on your life. You never relied or counted on your parent before so how could his or her passing possibly impact your life now? The answer is short but certainly not simple. What you are losing is the potential to live out your ideal parent-child relationship. And this realization might make you more angry than sad. Once again, maybe for the final time even, your parent is disappointing you. It’s that same burning hurt you felt as a child and it still feels out of your control. But now, as an adult, you have the ability and the skills to take control of this situation. You simply need to choose to make the best of a very difficult and already painful event.
As an adult, you can decide to see your parent, spend time talking and create a bond, even if it is short lived. Realize that for all of the soul searching you have undertaken, a person who is facing their own mortality is likely re-evaluating his or her entire existence as well. A lifetime of regrets is a huge weight to rest on already weary shoulders. Your companionship and empathy could offer an opportunity for much-needed discussions and apologies. Listening to a parent’s perspective as an adult won’t change the past, but it can possibly offer insight, understanding, and even closure.
This is also the time for you to clear your conscience and voice your feelings as an adult and not just the child who felt hurt or abandoned. Realizing that emotions are stirred and those feelings could be taking you into uncharted waters, think about how you will feel for the rest of your life. Do you want to regret words and feelings not shared? That too is a heavy load to rest on one’s shoulders forever. But think about what you are about to say and what you want to accomplish. Nothing will change the past but the future, your future, could become vastly different. You could build a close, adult relationship with your parent right now with nothing more than honest, heartfelt words.
Maybe it’s a bold faced lie to say that he or she had any good qualities as a parent, so don’t lie. But maybe you have learned to love or at least respect your parent because of the grandparent he or she has become. Maybe you can look through the eyes of your child and finally see some goodness in your parent and the reasons why your child loves him or her. Not everyone succeeds on the first attempt at everything but if your parent got it right for your child, then that is something to be thankful for. Maybe your parent worked with a charity or help neighbors as a form of penance for their lack of parenting skills. Everyone has some good qualities and now is the time to search for your parent’s talents and gifts. Find that something to share and appreciate. Make that the foundation for your bond to build your forever memories on.
I was far more than fortunate. My parents were both pretty amazing, each in their own way. I never doubted their love and devotion to me and I don’t think they ever questioned my love for them. I have a mental treasure chest of memories that go clear back to my early childhood. For me, that treasure chest is like a favorite old book that I pick up and reread from time to time. I relive those happy memories and sometimes a few sad ones, but what’s important is that I have them. And I have my parents with me; forever in my heart. I can’t verbalize the value of the comfort that comes from those memories. Even if time is short, do all that you can to create some memories with your parent. Let happy thoughts and memories fill your heart without the overbearing weight of regrets. Know that you made every effort to set things right and find peace for both you and your parent. Choose to create something good and happy that you can carry in your heart forever.