“It’s not only about the guitar,
– Carlos Santana
On December 25th, 2018, my first commercial music release went live on all the major digital music marketplaces and streaming services – Spotify, Apple Music, Amazon Music, iHeartRadio… if you’re listening to music on any device connected to the internet, my three songs are now a few keystrokes clicks or taps away. But 10 years ago, 6 months ago, even Friday, November 2nd, 2018, I wasn’t sure I could overcome the fear, self-doubt, anger, self-loathing, anxiety, and panic that I perceived as standing between me and my music.
By My Side contains 3 songs; Sit With Me Tonight, I Just Can’t Stop Loving You, and the title track By My Side. It’s a tiny window into the infinite love and care that flows between myself and my soulmate, the girl I met 10 years ago and fell for the instant I laid eyes on her. They’re also the first three songs I’ve written to completion about her, and about the wonderful complexities of our relationship. And this is not a reflection on her at all, she is the most wonderful human being I know, the most patient partner, the sweetest lover, my best friend. But something inside of my soul was getting in the way of the music, something I was ignoring, pushing down, fighting, running from, hiding from, lying to myself about.
At the beginning of 2018, someone wise told me if I wanted to break through the wall that I perceived was between me and music, I needed to spend 5 minutes a day making music. No more, no less. That definitely lives amongst the top advice I’d ever received. The pressure was off – 5 minutes was harmless, always possible to fit it in, and sure enough, after a few months of dedication to the 5-minute routine, I had drafts of 20 songs, and I was intensely yearning to spend more than 5 minutes a day on my music.
By November 1st, 2018, I had solid drafts of 3 songs I wanted to release, but for months I had been altering them, redoing them, rewriting the lyrics, singing and recording vocal track after vocal track after vocal track. Every time I heard my own voice I would cringe. Thoughts filled my head – “that doesn’t sound like a rock star” and “who would want to listen to this crappy song” and “wow I am a terrible singer” and “this instrumental beat is so amateur and boring.”
On November 2nd, 2018, my life changed course. I didn’t know it that day, and I wouldn’t realize it until weeks later, after panic attacks, anxiety episodes, cold, sweaty, shiver-filled sleepless nights, choking for two weeks on the smoky air from California’s worst wildfires in the state’s history. On November 2nd, 2018 – I went to a funeral. He was my parents’ neighbor, the house directly across the street. He was a relatively recent addition to the neighborhood, and I admit I’ve spoken about 2 or 3 sentences to him the entire time he lived there. To me, he was a friendly face I’d smile or wave at passing by his house in my car. But on the day of his funeral, he became the catalyst for a change in my own life, my own head, and for that, I am ever grateful
Contemplating death, the meaning of my life, existence, and then shutting that all out again, caused a revolution in me – my body revolted to the idea of non-existence by shaking itself until I snapped out of it. At first, I didn’t understand my panic and anxiety was years of suppressed emotions flowing through my body like the greatest dam in the world exploding in an instant. I was convinced I was sick, diseased, unhealthy.
But then I started to face my fears, my doubts, my emotions, and instead of fighting them, running and hiding, or suppressing them, I gave them a hug. I embraced them. I turned towards them and invited them into my home, invited them to come along for my journey, to be a part of me. And through that practice of mindfulness, of embracing my whole self, of truly being, I found the courage to release my music to the world.
As a gesture of love, I wanted the release date to be Christmas Day. The distribution company I worked with on the release needed 14 days to review, process, and get my music to all of the digital platforms my music is now available on. So now I had a deadline of December 11, 2018. And leave it up to deadlines to bring all the anxiety, self-doubt, and self hate back into the process.
The days leading up to December 11, 2018, we’re a struggle. An emotional journey. When I wasn’t working, I was struggling to fill my free time by finishing the songs, getting them perfect for release. But that pressure crumbled me, and I mostly spent my free time on the couch under a mountain of protective blankets.
I blocked out the entirety of Sunday, December 10, 2018, to finish my songs. I managed to work on them for two hours.
Finally, the moment arrived. It was Monday, December 11, 2018, 9 pm. I needed to submit the final songs by 11:59 pm that night in order to make the deadline, and what’s the purpose of a deadline if I’m allowed to miss them. My girlfriend went to get us dinner so I could sing the songs one final time without her in the house – since they were a surprise for her for Christmas – and the moment I stepped up to the microphone – everything fell away. Time stood still and moved faster than it ever was all in an instant. After hundreds of takes, redos, crafting the perfect vocal tracks over months, here I was with 20 minutes to record 15 minutes of singing, so I turned the microphone on and sang. I could have carefully picked which sections needed to be redone, which were “weak” or out of tune. But at that moment, something came over me. I was feeling it. It no longer was about the notes, the quality, the perfection – it was about how I was feeling in that moment. It was the feeling behind the notes. It was that connection to my heart.
I managed to record, edit, and mix my 3 songs in those 3 hours. At 11:59, sitting in bed next to the love of my life, I hit “submit” and uploading the final songs and artwork to the distribution company. I don’t think I got a minute of sleep that night – every feeling imaginable rushed through me the moment I saw the “release received” notification. And for the first time in my life, I was proud of what I had created, because it was finally me.
Music is the most powerful language we understand. It translates the heart and soul when words fail to do so. I hope in writing this post, I can inspire someone else to let go, and embrace all of who you are in the same moment, so that you too may find your inner music, and share it with the world.
If you want to hear my music, search for “By My Side” by “Connor Stock” on your favorite digital music platform!
Thank you for your time and attention!
Cheers,
Connor
Thank you, Connor, for this fantastic post! I am eager to hear your music after reading this post. If the songs are anything like your writing I will be a huge fan as I greatly appreciate your style of writing as it feels very true and honest and real…that is going to get reader attention and I can’t improve on that honesty.
I read this post of yours and relived my exact version of this when I was working on my book. It was my child that I had created and I was about to throw it out to the wolves so to speak. I hoped that it could survive and stand on its own merits. I worried that it was something that no one else would ever understand, enjoy or learn from. I spent a lot of time fixing and refixing just as you did but finally, I had to let go and see if it would fly on its own or crash in a spectacular firey ball. I’m very proud and relieved to pass along that I have relished the positive responses that I have received from readers as I am sure you will as well. Having others “get it” has justified my time and effort to pass along something thoughtful and meaningful.
Connor can be found at the following links:
https://www.facebook.com/connormstock/
https://twitter.com/connormstock
Excellent!!!!!! Thank you so much for sharing and inspiring all of us “cautious creatives” to face our fears, follow our dreams, be persistent and passionate about what we love and loving what we do. Congratulations and warmest best wishes for 2019!!!!