Earlier today, a friend helped me to understand a very important lesson about the memories that we carry with us from our childhood. As children, we don’t really know how important our day to day memories can become later in life. And we tend to remember what might seem to be odd little tidbits of information that are really unimportant. We don’t look up into an elderly grandparents eyes and try to store that look of unconditional love or wisdom, instead, we recall the smell of Grandpas pipe tobacco that was always in his shirt pocket. Or we recall the cheerful bright pink nail polish that Grandmother always wore. But these are the things that stand out in a child’s brain and make an impression. These are the things that we will think about as adults and know that they are actual memories of that special person whom we only got to know as a child.
I could spend days and days relating stories about my grandfather, but they are just other people’s memories that I have heard hundreds of times in my life. Grandpa passed before I was 5, and my true memories of him are very limited. But I know that his face was scruffy and scratched my cheek when I kissed him because it was hard for him to shave. And I can remember hearing his voice each time I am around a man who is wearing Aqua Velva aftershave because that is all he ever wore. The smell makes me smile because it reminds me of the special occasions that I shared with Grandpa like Thanksgiving and Easter Sunday. He always shaved and wore a white dress shirt on those special days.
As I have grown older, these memories have become much more important to me, even though they might seem irrelevant to anyone else. But these are the memories of a child and they are the only things that I have left of Grandpa. And I know that they are real and that he was a real person and not just someone that I heard about in a story. My memories help me to keep him alive in my heart and to keep that important connection that I shared with him alive as well.
And sometimes, it is important to carry these memories into adulthood so that we can then revisit them and learn from them. My son had a very strong memory of the smell of certain flowers from his childhood. And it wasn’t until just a few years ago that I even learned of the memory or what it meant to him. We were buying a centerpiece for a holiday meal and he eliminated one choice because it smelled like funeral flowers to him. And he made a strange face when he explained it to me, almost like he was a little boy again wrinkling his nose.
On the way home, we were talking more about his memories of those flowers and their smell and it occurred to me that he had been to a lot of family funerals as a child. We never hid death from him, so he was right beside us as we laid many aunts, uncles and grandparents to rest. And he associated that smell with funerals which he thought was a negative thing. The more we talked, the more he remembered the funerals and more importantly, who was there. Our discussion finally led him to “discovering” that showing that final respect to a loved one is something that is very important to him. He realized that it is the way he was raised, the way I was raised and the way all of our family was raised. It is a part of all of us and our past. But that was not something that he could understand or appreciate as a small child. As a grown man he needed to remember all of those events from his childhood to be able to understand their significance. And it was the smell of those flowers that helped him to learn from his own experiences as a child.
Today, I was reminded of how very important those early memories can be to connect us to our past and to loved ones we lost many years ago. It was also not lost on me that I am very much on the other side of that image now. And I should make every effort to share moments with loved ones to create lasting memories, not only for myself but for those who will share them long after I am gone. Each of us is only a tiny speck on the grand timeline of this world, but who we are and the impact that we have on others can continue on far past our life as we live on in the hearts of our loved ones.
Lovely post. Many want us to forget our past, or maybe just the bad ones. Good or bad, our past is a map that we can sometimes rely on to guide us into the future. Our past be a stepping stone, a source of strength, a handful of wisdom, a grenade, or a tsunami. We have the power to let our past hinder us or help us.
Kathy, I love reading these comments from others who appreciate your posts, especially this comment on this post I love, which validates what I have always felt. Making peace with the past as we age, harvesting lessons learned, forgiving self and others, is the path to nirvana!!!!! It does, sometimes, take a lifetime, to be able to do this is an authentic way as I’m finding out. A common metaphor is like peeling an onion, one layer at a time. xxxxoooo
One of the best parts of my day is sitting down with a fresh cup of coffee to read the comments that I get here! I am still so amazed and in awe of all of the wonderful people who are sharing their kind words with me and joining me on this journey. It truly is my pleasure and honor to know each of these people.
So true that our own perception will dictate how we view our future as well as the present and the past. We must look for the good in all three. Thank you, Annelise!