“It was the best of times it was the worst of times” That quote resonates endlessly in my head as I reflect on this past year. Maybe it is just me getting philosophical as the big five-oh is approaching or maybe it is simply an apt description. But I recall the first time I read Mr. Dickens famous words and the thought that was rattling around in my juvenile head at the time. I was so certain that this contradiction of terms was just the beginning of yet another bland and boring assignment. Sadly, the next
This past year has marked some momentous occasions and events that have taken me to three amazing countries. And the best part is that I have been fortunate enough to share these travels with my amazing husband. We explored the second largest reef in the world and the world famous Blue Hole during our adventures. Along the way, we visited old friends, made new friends and made memories that we will cherish forever. But this year also held its share of difficult moments that would change my life forever. The loss of a family member is never easy and this one carried a heavy shroud of sadness and guilt for words not spoken and time lost. But I try to believe that everything happens for a reason. I search for grace and understanding so that I may learn from my mistakes and decisions of the past. After the loss of my brother, I was certain that the worst of the year was behind me, but my next lesson was that time is not promised to any of us.
The next loss was one that would blindside me in a way that few others ever have. To call this lady my friend, even my best friend, would be only a half-truth. It would be a disservice to her and to all that we shared over the past decade and beyond. She was a friend who quickly became an integral part of our family. She was a loving surrogate grandmother to my son, a friend and a confidant to me and a beloved member of the family to all of us. Yet even in her loss, she found ways to remind me of all that is important and good in my life. She guided me, taught me and spoke to my heart right up to the moment that we said goodbye.
My husband has many gifts and most of the time I am the benefactor of them, but there is one which I hold very dear. He has this sense of urgency on occasion that gets me to a place that I desperately need to be even though I don’t sense it or even know it. He granted me the gift of time in the waning days of my father’s life and he made sure that I made the trip to see my dearest friend before it was too late.
We shared one very lucid visit before she was whisked off to surgery and changed forever. At 87 any type of sedation can be difficult on the body but for a person who has relied on homeopathic solutions for decades, the introduction of chemical medication into her body was mind altering and life-altering. She was never quite the same after the surgery, though we did have high hopes as we saw glimpses of the old Janet trying to find her way out of the fog that was filling her mind. Sadly, those borderline clear moments that brought us hope only revealed fear and concern within her own mind. Those were the moments when she realized just how fuzzy most of her thoughts had become. So if my husband had not insisted that I travel that very day, I would never have gotten that one last conversation with my dearest of friends.
My final week with Janet was spent with her restlessly dozing most of the time and me searching my soul for the strength and ability to say goodbye and truly mean it. I would sit until late in the evening watching her breath and hoping that the next time she opened her eyes there would be that familiar sparkle. I hoped for just one more talk, one more chance for her to bestow her wisdom. She was always the person I turned to for answers when I was facing a life dilemma. She helped me make peace with the recent loss of my brother and I just needed to hear her tell me one more time that everything was going to be ok.
Finally, I began to understand that this was not about me and what I needed. I clearly needed to do, or ask for what was best for my dear friend. She needed to find peace and I simply needed to be strong enough to witness her blessing. We said our goodbyes, I told her I supported her choice to do what was best for her and I told her how much I loved her. She tried to smile then kissed my hand and drifted off to sleep again. I managed to make it all the way to my car before the first tear fell. And again, I thought of the quote, “It was the best of times it was the worst of times”.
I knew that I had finally done the right thing and in a way that lifted a sizable weight from my shoulders. But at the same time, I felt a cold hole in my heart. Over the following weeks and months, I reread hundreds of emails we exchanged. I could close my eyes and hear our conversations as if the scenes were playing on a television in the next room. Slowly I began to feel the fog clearing from my head. And I came to understand one of the final lessons that Janet would have a hand in teaching me. I needed to be thankful for all that I have and not dwell on what has been lost. I can’t bring it back, I can only waste what precious time I have left.
I know that I have not lost this dear friend of mine; that could never happen. We have proven time and again that our bond bridges time, distance and all worldly limitations. She is in my mind and in my heart…forever, just as she is in the hearts of my husband and our boys. And I am never alone, I have the love of three amazing men who are always here for me when I need a smile, a hug or to laugh. Janet always knew that and loved them even more because of it. So now I think fondly of our last visit, though we spoke very little we shared so much. We shared all that mattered, our hearts. And I would never have been there had it not been for my husband insisting that I go. His insight and love always seem to steer me where I need to go so that even in my worst of times, it is still the best of times.
Life is so much better, when we do the right things, at the right time, for the right people. Regrets are like unsaid words. Both are moments lost, but being alive, gives us a second chance, and the luckest ones, get a third chance.