My Family Tree And The Lessons That It Taught Me

As a kid not all of the nuances of family relationships make sense. An aunt is an aunt, but you don’t necessarily associate her as your mother’s or father’s sister. She has just always been your aunt. And in-laws make no sense at all. So I never really thought much about my dad’s relationship with my aunt Sue until the day of my father’s funeral. I had been very fortunate to grow up and never really see any difference in the way my parents and aunt and uncle treated each other. They were simply all family, and it made no difference if that was by blood or by marriage; all family was treated as a blessing.

On the day of my father’s funeral, all I knew for sure was that I felt very unprepared and vulnerable. I didn’t really know what to expect from myself or from the rest of the family. It was a day we had known would come, but that we chose to ignore as a possible means of delaying the inevitable. So today we were all entering uncharted waters together. I worried about Mom, my sister and all of the grandchildren, but I guess my own selfish fears then began to push my thoughts of others out of focus. I was becoming terrified of what the day would bring to reality.

My fear made me feel like a small child again, searching for the comfort of a familiar face and a place of refuge. I saw my Aunt Sue, and for a second I felt like everything might just be ok. She is my mother’s brother’s wife, but for as long as I had been alive she was just Aunt Sue. She and Uncle David had been like surrogate parents when I was a child. Their daughter is my only first cousin, and she is just a week older than I. We grew up together and were best friends. I joined them for summer vacations to the beach, and it was on those trips that we forged a tight bond. They were always so much more than my aunt and uncle, and today I was looking to them to give me the support I needed to face the act of burying my father.

Aunt Sue has a heart of gold, an amazing sense of humor and somehow was able to tolerate my cousin, my uncle and me even at our most childish and annoying moments. I just knew that she would have the answer to this day until she turned around and I saw her face. She had obviously been crying for a while. Her eyes were red, and her cheeks were moist. Her beautiful, elegant hands shook uncontrollably as she tried to wipe her eyes. I knew this day would be difficult, but seeing her looking so heartbroken was more than I could handle. My emotions erupted. I wrapped my arms around her and we cried; we cried until our bodies shook. I could feel her pain coming from deep in her heart just as mine was.

Then she pulled away and began to speak. “Your dad was so good to me. When I came into the family he was so good to me. He knew what it was like, and he was always there by my side.” Back in the day, Aunt Sue was quiet and shy, and our big German family has always been a bit of an imposing group, so I understand how she could have felt very uncomfortable as the newest addition to the family. And apparently, my dad saw it as well. Suddenly, I remembered a nickname. My dad would call my aunt Suzie Q. I don’t know for sure where it came from, but the tone of his voice was always the same when he said it. It was the sound of a big brother greeting his most beloved little sister, because to Dad that is what Aunt Sue had become when she joined our family.

Never before in my life had I really thought about the relationships created by marriage in our family. But at that moment, it all became so clear and so poignant. I had lived with it my entire life, but only today was I grasping it and appreciating it. My family had a bond that was more than just a bond of blood relatives, it was a bond that was so much stronger. It was chosen, created and tended for decades. That bond my aunt and my dad shared was a part of that special feeling of love and belonging that was present each time our family gathered together.

So on that very difficult day when I turned to my Aunt Sue for support, not only did she offer me her love and support but she also gave me a gift that I will always treasure. She shared with me a part of her history, our history as a family. She taught me more about my father, about her, and about our family. She showed me that we have a unique and amazing family and that I should always remember that and treasure it. And she showed me just how important my father had been to everyone gathered there that day. Life is a long and continuous journey and we should never stop learning. But sometimes the lessons come from our past.