The word cancer makes even the bravest among us shudder with a cold chill. I always thought of it as a heartless disease that did nothing but rob an entire family. It saps the strength, vitality, and life from its victim while tearing tiny chunks from each loved one’s heart. There is no solution, and we are forced to stand by and witness the havoc that it is wreaking on someone whom we love. It’s nothing but cruel to all it touches and its reach is long.
I have scars on my heart that were left by the claws of cancer many years ago. And though they healed to a point, they are always visible. For many years those scars and the pain that they caused filled me with anger. Cancer knows no justice. But with age has come perspective. I needed to make peace with my past and with this cold and heartless monster. I needed to search my heart to find some shred of reason and purpose to justify pain and the loss.
In comparison to most, I was young when cancer stole my father from me, my early 30’s. And I clearly had a lot to learn before I would be a real grown-up. But looking back I now understand that those last few years we shared were a very compressed and lesson-laden time on my journey. It was almost my internship/residency in my quest for adulthood, understanding, and all of the survival skills I would need for life.
I was force-fed lesson after lesson to teach me empathy, humility, and endurance. Some days were nearly perfect, or as close to perfect as they could be with a cannula draped across Dad’ face. I thought it was childish of me to revel in those good days and pluck the smallest shred of hope from them. But I finally learned that a childlike glee in celebration of a “good” day was a skill that I needed to carry with me forever. And on the bad days, I felt as if I was the subject of a tug of war between this world and the next. I was clinched onto my father trying to be a strong enough teether to hold him here with us just a little bit longer. But his next destination had a grip on him that was stronger than all I could muster from my heart and soul. Deep down I knew that I needed to find a way to manage my anger and selfishness and release my stronghold. I was not strong enough to change his destiny, but my weakness had the power to cause him pain as he fought on my behalf to spare my feelings. That realization was the root of more shame than I ever wanted to bring to my father or his life of strength and dignity. I learned that the love of others is more powerful than we can even grasp.
I also learned that my strength increased when I trusted others and turned to them for support. All my life I was happy to be independent and a lone wolf of sorts. But this climb to maturity was one that I could not make on my own, especially at this accelerated pace. Our family was drawn close in an effort to survive this storm. We lashed ourselves together to gain strength, like the poles used to support the weight of a great structure. We each found our place to shore up the family as the foundation, my father, crumbled away from beneath us. But in the end, he saw that we had all grown into adults who now had the skills, the strength, the faith, and the will to move forward without him. I learned to love him enough to let him go…
But after the shock of a world without my father wore off, I was angry at something or someone. I gave features to cancer, like huge talons that gouged into my heart and eyes that cut me like a machete. I made that being, cancer, the villain in my story. But I didn’t understand that by doing this, by carrying that burning ember in my heart, I was continuing to bring shame to my father’s memory and all that he was.
My final lesson, on this matter at least, is that nothing is all bad. My father had such a good heart. He would reach out to someone even when he or she had been labeled a lost cause by others. I needed to understand that concept and learn it, practice it in my everyday life. And for some reason, in the last 24 hours, I have found clarity and the ability to see what is needed for my peace and for his. And the only explanation comes from a healer, a doctor of the physical body, who I am sure views cancer like any other malady rather than a creature of doom.
Somehow, learning of his battle with cancer and how it is changing the lives of his loved ones made me remember… I remember all that I learned and all of the moments that I shared with my father over those last few years. I was able to smile at sparks of happiness that glistened in his eyes and the warmth of his hand as it rested delicately in mine. I now know that when I looked at him and tried to hide my pity for what I saw as the weakest time in his life, this larger than life man was as galvanized as ever.
Today, I believe that my father can finally Rest In Peace as I have completed the task that was weighing heavy on his soul. And I hope that Zigi will find the peace that he so deserves after a life dedicated to the care and healing of others. Thank you for this one last housecall to treat my ailing heart and my injured soul.
This amazing post brings to mind one of my all-time favorite quotes related to life story writing and/or life review: Soren Kierkegaard’s, “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” Your lessons learned and now passed on to your readers, including lucky me, are exactly what I needed to bring light to an otherwise daunting day. Your lessons of empathy, humility, endurance, and this, ” . . . my strength increased when I trusted others and turned to them for support . . ” are all resonating with me in new ways as we begin another day of not knowing what will come next. Thank you, dear Kathy. You are the consummate alchemist, turning our “worst experience ever” into “a pearl of great price” in words we can all understand and relate to. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!!!
Kathy, this is a beautiful opening of your heart to share its deepest emotions with others. A burden shared is a burden lightened and may just be that for someone who reads it. It is not always easy to share our hearts, but often it is the step we need to take to gain greater freedom for ourselves and, in turn, for others. Thank you so much for sharing these moments with us. God bless you and strengthen you day by day.