Time…Is It Real Or Is It Imagined?

How is it possible that today would have been my father’s 95th birthday? I close my eyes, and I cannot reconcile that with the image of the man that I see in my mind and in my heart. Yes, the battle with cancer added wrinkles to his brow, thinned his hair, and even weighed heavily on his twinkling blue eyes. But how could that man have been nearing 95 I ask myself? But slowly, the answer comes to me. And it is in the form of another riddle that does not make any sense to my heart or my mind.

The man I remember, even on the last days when he was weak and frail, that man was just past 76. And it has been nearly two decades since we shared those precious last days and hours together. Two decades sounds like a lifetime. That was before this year’s graduating high school class was even born. Twenty years is two-thirds of my son’s lifetime and longer than our family has lived in Arizona. It can’t be…

Because it feels like just a few days ago that we spoke on the phone. That last week we shared your favorite spicy chicken, and you even managed to eat almost a whole sandwich. You asked about our vacation and how the dog was doing. And you told me that you loved me. How can it be almost 20 years since I heard those words from you? Or rested my head on your shoulder?

It seems too recently that we all gathered to celebrate your life and the love that you added to all of our lives. We told stories laughed as if you were still there with us, regaling us in person. And then we cried as you were laid to rest under the flag. We honored your service to our country and the life that you led. The lessons were always demonstrated, not told. And your praise was accompanied by a smile and a hug.

But Dad, I have one last question. Time, it is real, or is it imagined? Does it try to steal away our days, or is it there to protect us from agonizing over the loss of someone most dear? Did it help me to make it through the last 20 years without you, or was it trying to make me forget the unforgettable man who is my father, my first hero, and my son’s first best friend?

I can’t explain how it can feel like just yesterday and forever ago all at the same time, but it does. I know you are not far away. I just close my eyes, and I can hear your voice and see your smile. Time will never take those from me. They are etched in my heart forever. Yet time will also never erase the pain of losing you. And deep down, I know that I cannot have one without the other. So, today I will smile for the days that we shared and shed a tear for the days we have been apart. And I know you will hear me when I say, “Happy 95th Birthday, Dad, I love you!”