I have never been good at accepting things that I feel are forced on me. And that was never more clear than when my father’s cancer clearly became a death sentence. He had endured multiple diagnoses of various cancers and was simply worn out. A decade of fighting had taken its toll. But he had reached what I believe was his final responsibility in this world. He lived long enough that our young son knew him and would remember him. Dad had helped form the man he would become many years in the future. Despite the peace that he had made with his mortality, I could not and would not wrap my head around the inevitable.
My husband and I were finally beginning to find success in our careers, and we had more than ever before, both things and money. But all that did was frustrate me. Dad had been a strong example of the benefits of hard work. You earned your money and then had the right to spend it on what you really wanted. But in this case, all of this money would not buy me what I wanted most in this world. It would not cure his cancer. And it would not save our young son from the broken heart of losing Grandpa. I could not slow time or bargain for more, no matter how much money I was willing to throw at this demon. It was going to steal him from us, and it did.
It has been over two decades, and I still miss him and long to share good news with him. But I have grown to accept that my desire was purely selfish. He had lived his life and done most of what he wanted. He would often comment that he had more in his lifetime than he ever dreamed he would have, and he was genuinely thankful. But at the
time, I was young and foolishly still thought that my opinion truly held some weight in matters of the universe. I’m sure that still makes Dad smile and chuckle a bit.
This last week, I reflected on that time when all I wanted was to exert some control, make a difference, and change the outcome for my father and my family. But it was not meant to be. However, a wonderful family was kind enough to grant me the opportunity to contribute in a very small way to honor my father and help fight this elusive demon. I cannot imagine the feeling of helplessness when it is not a parent but a child battling the C-word.
But they are fighting the battle with grace and dignity that was far beyond my capability. I pray that we are heard and that Mila wins this battle. She is a mighty little warrior who has inspired so many people and reminded me of what is important in this world. It is not the money or things. It is the hugs and smiles from those you love and who love you that will fuel your heart and soul forever. Thank you for the gift you have given me.
Beautifully expressed, Kathy, showing how much the younger generations can teach us older generations if we will only listen. How insightful and wise you are today to share your honest feelings with us. This also shows how much more we know today about how to treat cancer, all kinds of cancers, and how to prevent them, too. I love this quote by Helen DeVos whose family made the leadership gift that brought The Helen DeVos Children’s Hospital to Grand Rapids, MI: “if we could see through the eyes of a child . . . we would be able to see the beauty and best in everything, and to understand that with faith and hope, wishes and dreams do come true. We would be able to look beyond the limits we adults sometimes impose on our lives . . . to be able to see the significance of every act of compassion, the joy in every expression of love.”
Thank you, Pam, for your kind words and sharing that amazing quote. We are the product of what we see and experience in this world. Some are good, but some are also bad. However, a child’s fresh, clear eyes have not yet been altered by the worldly filters that can afflict an adult’s vision. They are still as pure and honest as the loving heart of a child who finds happiness and joy in something as simple as running in the rain or watching the flight of a butterfly. We have so many lessons to learn from our little visionaries!