Sharing a Lesson

For many years, I was fortunate enough to have a friend with whom I could share anything with and never have a fear of judgment or disappointment. She was always open to hearing my thoughts or story and then offering something positive or constructive. She never passed judgment. So it was easy to share and talk about even my biggest regrets and things that I had done in the past that now filled me with shame.

Not long after my mother passed away, I was thinking about just how much I wished I could have one last visit with her. She passed suddenly and there was no opportunity for one last phone call or visit to say and do what was in my heart. Instead, I mentioned to my friend Janet how sorry I was for not savoring the time that I shared with my mother. I was always in a hurry to get back on the road for the hour drive home after our day of visiting and running errands. And each time, my mother would slow my exit process with numerous hugs and a sad look on her face. Then I would slide my way out the door and only glance over my shoulder as she waved and said goodbye from the front porch or the front window. As I slammed the door of my truck, I always breathed a sigh of relief. But I will never forget the look of loneliness on my mother’s face.

I related this story as well as my regret and almost expected my friend to finally come clean and tell me that I was heartless and should feel terrible. But instead, she related a story to me. Many years earlier, she had lived in Florida near her elderly mother. On the days that she would go for a visit, her mother would be standing at the window of her apartment waiting for Janet’s arrival and had a long drawn out goodbye ritual not much different than my mothers. And each time Janet left she would look up at the window and feel relief. She wondered why her mother didn’t understand that she had places to go and other things to do besides just sitting and visiting with her.

Then Janet was silent for a long moment before she revealed the answer to me. She said that it was not until many years later that she finally understood her mother’s sadness. These same incidents were being replayed, but this time it was Janet who was the lonely elderly person who was watching her child leave. When she finally saw the other side of this routine, she wished that she had been more caring and understanding to her mother, much like I was wishing. She played the scene over and over in her head and wondered why she never offered to take her mom to the beach for a short walk or just to sit and enjoy the beautiful view. Finally, she began to accept that she just never recognized what she now knew to be loneliness. And also that she could not go back in time and change the past.

Her story touched my heart. Here was this person who I knew to be extremely caring and loving but who had made the same oversight that I had. Clearly, this regret still weighed on her, but she was willing to share it with me as a means of easing my regret and showing me that we all make these errors in judgment at times. And though not for malicious reasons, they can be hurtful none the less. She urged me to move forward and to forgive myself but to heed the lesson and never take precious time spent with a loved one for granted. She also reminded me that my perspective is not the only one to exist. And that in time, I might be forced to see the other side of any situation. So it is always better to try to understand the other point of view.

My mother was not trying to monopolize my time or make me feel guilty for the small amount of time that we were able to share. She was truly sad when it was time for me to leave and she just wanted me to know how much our time together meant to her. Janet was able to explain how she experienced this with her children and how she finally had a clear understanding of how her mother felt after each visit. Fortunately for me, I had the benefit of learning from Janet’s epiphany and did not have to wait to learn this lesson on my own.

A few years after we shared these stories with each other, I put this lesson to good use. My dear friend, who was now well into her 80’s, was in the hospital and not doing well. But at the urging of my husband, I made the 2000 mile trip to visit her. She slept most of the time I was there, but clearly, she was happy to see me each time she woke up and our eyes met. For three days I watched her sleep and thought about the many conversations we had shared over the years. I thought of her kindness, her encouragement and how she had become such an important part of our family. And I thought about how difficult it was going to be to leave, knowing that this was most likely my last chance to say all that was in my heart. But because of her, and her willingness to share her experience with me, I knew how important these last moments would be.

We shared few words, but her gentle kiss on my hand and her final smile as we said goodbye told me that she understood what I had tried to convey. Any words that I could think of seemed far too shallow for the gravity of the moment. I verbally stumbled as I tried to convince her of all that she meant to me and how great an impact she had on my life. Fortunately, as such a dear friend, we shared a connection that somehow allowed her to see into my heart and understand what words could not explain. And by doing so, she helped me to find the peace that I would need to move forward after she was gone.