There always seems to be this burning desire to see the family that you wish you had. We use rose-colored glasses and excuse behavior that we would never tolerate from others. And all too often, we find ways to blame ourselves for the mean or hurtful actions of our family members. We tell ourselves that we deserve to be treated poorly or that we somehow failed to be the loving sibling or child that we should have been. And we silently promise ourselves to do better in the future. It’s just easier to be angry with ourselves than to give up on the idea of being that idyllic family that we picture when we close our eyes. Because we know that giving up on that perfect, loving family is going to be painful, just as it is when we give up on any dream.
But eventually, we must all see the true colors of even our own family members. And at that point, we need to decide to love ourselves as much as our family member should, but doesn’t, and make the difficult decision to remove that person from our life. And each of us needs to find our own method for doing this and level of distance. For some, it is enough to know in your heart that your family member is never going to show you the love and support that you need, so you simply stop expecting it or even looking for it. Others find that it is just too painful to continue to see that family member and you sever the relationship completely. There is no perfect answer or one answer that is right for everyone. All you can do is find the answer that is right for you.
And understand that it is ok to be sad for the “loss” of the relationship that you hoped to build with your family member. But remember that the relationship was never really there and that you deserve loving and caring relationships in which others reciprocate your kindness, love, and support. And as you begin to accept that fact, you will find that there are other people in this world who can and will fill that role. You will find some very special people who just appear along your journey and are meant to be a part of your life. In many cases, they appear in very unexpected places and become somewhat of a family member miracle. You weren’t looking for them but when you meet there is an instant connection, almost as if you have known each other all of your lives. These are the people who are destined to become the family that you make for yourself. In the end, it is love and support that holds a family together not blood.
This article explains perfectly the situation around family members and letting go of relationships that we feel do not meet our expectations. I have learned the hard way (via desperation as opposed to inspiration) that we have no right to impose our expectations onto other people, especially family members.
The other side of that situation is…that we do not have to be in the company of people who energetically drain us by their life choices. We can simply step back, improve our own lives and let go with love those on a different path, remember that their path is right for them.
Once the premise of accepting that life in a constant series of daily changes and learn to flow with the stream of life as opposed to constantly fighting self-created battles, then the breath flows freely. Life makes sense.
We can not make other people do what we feel is best for them. Read that sentence again and then think about it. In that small sentence is the answer to end the ongoing battle of control. Take a deep breathe and get this…you can only control yourself.