I read something yesterday that was very simple and yet very important.
“Just because I don’t agree with you does not mean that I hate you.”
It sounds like something so amazingly easy to grasp, but that is not the case anymore. We have become a society of extremes. Every person that you speak to is “totally into” this or that cause, lifestyle or activity. And if the concept ended there, we would be far better off than we are now. It seems that in addition, every person has decided that his or her way is the right way and really the only way. Gone are the days of a calm discussion or even a somewhat heated debate. Today’s conversations take place in a manner not even fit for a schoolyard.
For years I watched my father and my grandmother debate everything from politics to Area 51 and the moon landing. What I later learned was that they often times secretly agreed with each other, but they enjoy the mental sparring and challenging one another to think and respond with well-conceived answers. But never once did these heated debates digress to yelling, name-calling or childish accusations. When each had said his or her piece, they agreed to disagree.
As I got older and began to understand this “sport” that they shared, I also witnessed some similar discussions that were real life disagreements between the two of them. These often lasted longer, and there was more back and forth discussion trying to sway the others opinion, but if that could not occur, they still were able to respectfully disagree. Witnessing this process over the years taught me a lot about how to make my point while still trying to find a way to get a glimpse of another perspective as well.
In my humble opinion, not every discussion or disagreement needs to end with one side or the other giving up. There are many topics that do not require beating an opponent into submission. We each have the right to live the life that we choose as long as we are not hurting anyone else. But we do not have the right to demand that others chose to live their lives in agreement with ours.
There are enough serious conflicts, drama, and difficulties in the world. Agreeing to disagree in a respectful manner is a simple choice that allows each of us to step away from some of that anger, and continue to have a relationship with someone who simply has a different point of view. This is a lesson that many adults have forgotten about, and the result is an entire generation of children and young adults who have no concept of respectfully disagreeing or the benefits that it can offer.
Kathy, thank you so much for this post on a very, very important subject: How to disagree without becoming disagreeable? For me, what you have shared here is a “point of departure” for me to write my own essay about choosing with whom to spend time, and, most importantly, why or why not. What came up for me as I read this is an awareness that I have close friends who have very different political views than I do, but we are closely connected at a deeper level. We can talk serious talk and fun and silly talk. It’s fun to be with her. These are mostly “new” friends, friends I have gained in the past 20 years, and a few in the past two years, friends of all ages, not just women, and a few men, my age. When someone I consider a friend disagrees with what I have said, and then says something like, “I can’t believe you feel that way!” Or, “How can you call yourself a Christian when you say that?” For me, this becomes a barrier that makes it difficult for me to stay the relationship because it feels judgmental, dualistic (either/or: ‘I’m right and you’re wrong’). I have a lifelong friend I grew up with who shares past history with me, but we have evolved very differently as we have aged, spiritually, emotionally and/or psychologically. At times, I feel guilty because I don’t really “like” her anymore, even though I do “love” her in the way Jesus has taught us to love others as we love ourselves. So, thank you, once again, for opening up a window into my own life and life experiences for me to gaze through and hopefully come up with some answers to the true purpose and meaning of my life, which will help me feel “at peace” when the time comes for me to pass on to the Next Great Adventure! xxxooo
Thank you, Pam! I couldn’t agree more. I also am drawn in by your last sentence…feeling at peace. That is a state that I have been searching for more and more as I get older. I am beginning to believe that we are all here to learn to “get comfortable in our own skin” before we are permitted to relinquish it and are granted the ability to move on to the Next Great Adventure.