It can be truly amazing how much a person can love another person. And yet sadly we do not fully comprehend the depth and completeness of that love until we are faced with living without it. And when I say without it, I really mean without the earthly reminder of it when we see that person or hear their voice. This kind of love is not really limited to the short-term capabilities of the human body, and in fact, it can grow and flourish even more when it is released from the confines of a body and it becomes free to “live” throughout the universe.
I was blessed with this amazing love from my dearest and most treasured friend. I lived with the comfort of her friendship, reassuring words, and fierce protective instinct for well over a decade. It was a gift I will always be thankful for. But she left me this year; she left many people who loved her deeply and whom she also loved deeply. To try to find peace and adjust to the void in our hearts we gathered on a beautiful summer day to show our gratitude for the time that we shared with her and the peace that she had finally been granted. She had longed to go home and at 87 she had more than earned her place in heaven. But the human side in each of us was still feeling the loss; our loss of this amazing force in our lives.
The venue was a beautiful park with a lake and a place that she had particularly enjoyed for a relaxing walk. I couldn’t help but feel close to her as I looked out over the water. She and I share such a connection to the water, the beach and each other. Each person took a moment to share a story or a thought about this amazing lady who touched each of us deep in our hearts. It was touching but also overwhelming. Speaking in the past tense about her tore at my heart and filled my eyes with tears that burned like ocean water. I really couldn’t find any words worthy of her memory.
We were going to end the gathering with a walk around the lake and each of us would release a balloon. It was the symbolic act of releasing her to continue on her journey. Again she could move without pain, float up into the sky and find happiness. It seemed so fitting and reminded me of a story she loved. She had always wanted to ride in a hot air balloon. One day she happened onto a man offering rides in his balloon. He said it cost $50. At the time she had just that much but the money was for the week’s groceries. She thought a moment and then happily handed over the money for that bucket list experience. She never ever regretted the choice and she treasured the memories for the rest of her life. So today we would set free this bouquet of balloons in her honor.
I took my balloon and held it rather gingerly as I walked toward the lake. I had no idea when or where I would release it. I didn’t want to let it go, to let her go. Again my eyes began to burn. But she was there to help me and to remind me that this was not about me nor was this my choice. After a few steps, the balloon literally jumped from my hands. I grabbed for it but it was already dancing through the air far beyond my reach. I finally knew in my heart that this was real but also that this was what she wanted and needed. She didn’t make me let go, she did it for me.
It’s taken me some time to really understand what she did for me that day and throughout the days and weeks and years that we shared. And to grasp that she is still here with me each and every day. I see her in the beautiful pictures that she painted, I hear her voice as I reminisce through our old email conversations and I feel her love as strong as or even stronger than when she was on this earth with me. I knew this day would come and I always knew it would be bitter-sweet. But with her help, I am learning to appreciate the great sweetness of her going home. I still have my moments of missing her voice and her smile but I close my eyes and I can see her. And now she is ageless and timeless. There is no pain and no loneliness. I reach out with my heart and I feel her touch and her love.
Beautiful and so touching. It brought tears to my eyes just reading it and visualizing what you did. Possibly because I love the water, I felt as though I were right there with you as I read. It’s wonderful when we have such a friend who impacts our life so deeply. May the Lord bless you as you move through your time of grieving and missing her. No doubt you are a better person for having known her.